unpopular

i’m in one of my moods, again. the mood that makes me feel like avoiding everyone, but hoping that someone will notice. when michelle asked, “are you okay?” how was i supposed to respond with anything other than a quiet and reluctant affirmation? when dan asked me if anything was wrong i wanted to tell him that things have been wrong for as long as i can remember. no, i wouldn’t burden anyone with that knowledge of my despair. that’s why i’ve hired a therapist, but i learned long ago not to mention suicide or self-inflicted wounds. i have friends for entertainment purposes, not for emotional support. what if i were to confide in one of them? i would risk sounding pathetic, needy, attention-seeking. the thing is, i don’t need their help. i want someone to understand my pain and to care.i’ve recently realized i have no close friends.so what are my options?acacia- i know she would care if i told her i needed her to, but she doesn’t maintain our friendship. she lives so close but we never speak or visit. she is too self-involved, and dropping this bomb would certainly be an unwanted burden.ann- ann is fighting her own depression, right now. i’ve mentioned my OCD to her, but she was quick to dismiss the topic and turn the conversation towards herself.cheet0- like acacia, he would care if he had to but i couldn’t reach out to him while he is balancing a new family and a ob. we haven’t spoken about serious things for years. this would seem like a desperate cry for attention.matt gillan- for some reason, he seems like the only one the house that would be empathetic enough to care. he has been through family trauma, depression, and self-mutilation. i think he would understand me to some extent, but we are too dissimilar for him to be completely supportive. he will probably end  up annoying me with his idealistic, self-righteous view of the world.alana, dan, albina, shayda- i don’t think our friendship is there. this leaves me with myself and my paid professional. 

week of resistance

i have had a little over week of resistance. i was weak today and i destroyed my skin for several minutes. but it is still much less than normal. maybe my arms will repair themselves by saturday (food orgy). i don’t know how i’ve managed the resistance. i still become flooded with anxiety and it pains me to see the little mounds of tissue and oil and do absolutely nothing about it. i’ve been breathing deeply and pressing my palms against each other to create tension. i still can’t suppress the anxiety. i’m so pathetic.

i went down to slo this weekend. shayda and dan accompanied me. we did some work, cooked, drank wine, smoked pot once my mom went to bed, built a fort in the living room, trespassed onto some property with beautiful green hills and where we smoked some more pot. in all, it was very pleasant. my original purpose for going down there was my appointment at the obesity clinic. i gained 5 lbs since last visit, putting me at 154. but i was also on my period.

dan suggested we play the game “kill, fuck, or marry” in which we name 3 mutual acquaintances and decide who we would kill, who we would fuck, or who we would marry. we also played “superlatives.” someone would suggest a category and we would all decide who was the least or most _____. inevitably, the “hottest” and “most beautiful” categories came up. i wanted to kill myself over and over again. i can still feel the little heart attacks going off inside me. i was able to play along and i enjoyed conversing with my housemates. it was hilarious at times, but the game only confirmed my suspicion that i am disgusting and undesirable. clara was the clear favorite for long, slim body, gorgeous face, and sweet personality. i couldn’t be any more opposite of her.

last wednesday, paulina made me do this embarrassing exercise. she asked what i liked about my physical self. i told her my hair and if i was thin, i would also like my face. she acted as if she couldn’t believe that was all, so she asked me things like, “what about your eyes? what about your feet? your ears?” it was ridiculous, but i forced myself to evaluate each part. this exercise was prompted by my okcupid.com obsession confession. people don’t find me attractive enough to pursue me in real life, so i feels good when men find me attractive in my profile. she thinks my body issues are a problem. all i really need is some techniques to control my food intake.

wish me luck, you vast internet world. i’m learning flush away my anxiety.