nothing special

i’m in one of my moods, again. the mood that makes me feel like avoiding everyone, but hoping that someone will notice. when michelle asked, “are you okay?” how was i supposed to respond with anything other than a quiet and reluctant affirmation? when dan asked me if anything was wrong i wanted to tell him that things have been wrong for as long as i can remember. no, i wouldn’t burden anyone with that knowledge of my despair. that’s why i’ve hired a therapist, but i learned long ago not to mention suicide or self-inflicted wounds. i have friends for entertainment purposes, not for emotional support. what if i were to confide in one of them? i would risk sounding pathetic, needy, attention-seeking. the thing is, i don’t need their help. i want someone to understand my pain and to care.i’ve recently realized i have no close friends.so what are my options?acacia- i know she would care if i told her i needed her to, but she doesn’t maintain our friendship. she lives so close but we never speak or visit. she is too self-involved, and dropping this bomb would certainly be an unwanted burden.ann- ann is fighting her own depression, right now. i’ve mentioned my OCD to her, but she was quick to dismiss the topic and turn the conversation towards herself.cheet0- like acacia, he would care if he had to but i couldn’t reach out to him while he is balancing a new family and a ob. we haven’t spoken about serious things for years. this would seem like a desperate cry for attention.matt gillan- for some reason, he seems like the only one the house that would be empathetic enough to care. he has been through family trauma, depression, and self-mutilation. i think he would understand me to some extent, but we are too dissimilar for him to be completely supportive. he will probably end  up annoying me with his idealistic, self-righteous view of the world.alana, dan, albina, shayda- i don’t think our friendship is there. this leaves me with myself and my paid professional.