week of resistance

i have had a little over week of resistance. i was weak today and i destroyed my skin for several minutes. but it is still much less than normal. maybe my arms will repair themselves by saturday (food orgy). i don’t know how i’ve managed the resistance. i still become flooded with anxiety and it pains me to see the little mounds of tissue and oil and do absolutely nothing about it. i’ve been breathing deeply and pressing my palms against each other to create tension. i still can’t suppress the anxiety. i’m so pathetic.

i went down to slo this weekend. shayda and dan accompanied me. we did some work, cooked, drank wine, smoked pot once my mom went to bed, built a fort in the living room, trespassed onto some property with beautiful green hills and where we smoked some more pot. in all, it was very pleasant. my original purpose for going down there was my appointment at the obesity clinic. i gained 5 lbs since last visit, putting me at 154. but i was also on my period.

dan suggested we play the game “kill, fuck, or marry” in which we name 3 mutual acquaintances and decide who we would kill, who we would fuck, or who we would marry. we also played “superlatives.” someone would suggest a category and we would all decide who was the least or most _____. inevitably, the “hottest” and “most beautiful” categories came up. i wanted to kill myself over and over again. i can still feel the little heart attacks going off inside me. i was able to play along and i enjoyed conversing with my housemates. it was hilarious at times, but the game only confirmed my suspicion that i am disgusting and undesirable. clara was the clear favorite for long, slim body, gorgeous face, and sweet personality. i couldn’t be any more opposite of her.

last wednesday, paulina made me do this embarrassing exercise. she asked what i liked about my physical self. i told her my hair and if i was thin, i would also like my face. she acted as if she couldn’t believe that was all, so she asked me things like, “what about your eyes? what about your feet? your ears?” it was ridiculous, but i forced myself to evaluate each part. this exercise was prompted by my okcupid.com obsession confession. people don’t find me attractive enough to pursue me in real life, so i feels good when men find me attractive in my profile. she thinks my body issues are a problem. all i really need is some techniques to control my food intake.

wish me luck, you vast internet world. i’m learning flush away my anxiety.